Well it has come to this. Literally I cracked yesterday. I know I wasn't supposed to see her. But I did. This is her city. I'm just visiting, but the best part it all seemed like old times we literally picked up where we left off. But things are different now. I can't change that, the only thing I can do is walk away. We talked about it and we discussed it. I say I write is somewhere and save it, and here it is. 5 years? Will I see her in 5 years? At that point I'll be 42, she'll be 29/30 depending on when. But the real question, will I crack sooner? The second question, Can I turn a no into a yes? Who knows, a piece of me says yes, but why? Arrogance? Confidence? Or just plain stupidity? Sometimes you need all three.
Today is my last day in Austria, and for the entire two weeks that I've been here, yesterday was the best day of all of them. Why do you make everything better? So so so much better.
Feeling any better? No, I'm not. Is it getting better, of course. As always, time heals all wounds. Just fucking sucks right now. I can and will say this. Losing a best friend really really sucks, losing someone you loved. Even fucking worst. However here I am in Vienna, and just getting my bearings straight.
You know, typing while you're drunk/high is supposed to show your true feelings. My true feelings is that I need to move on, and to be even more truthful. I'm cool with it. She was amazing, kind and sweet, but it just doesn't work sometimes, but I can't stop my life. Lets stop pretending what could have been, and see what it is. I'm gonna try to enjoy the rest of this trip, and live my best life. I'll make friends from here on out, but at the end of the day, Vienna reminds me of you. But that's just life and how it goes.
It's been 72 hours, and life is moving on slowly. Vienna You are in front of me 17 days from now. I have no real back up plans any longer. I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I don't know where I'm going. All I know is adventure awaits. It's 18 days from now, I'm setting off on my own new adventure, where it will take me where will it lead me? I. have no idea. All I know, I'm on a new adventure...on my own again.
As depressing as that may sound, it's actually not. It was inevitable, but I'm learning to stand my ground again. I'm not holding on to the past. I'm just looking forward. You know, it's crazy this thing called life and love. I always thought, no all I ever wanted was just to be able to stand by your side. And even though we are thousands of miles apart, I thought I could stand equally next to you. Again, it was inevitable, we live too far, and you're too awesome to have me stand by your side alone for so long. I knew the day would come, but it has hit me harder than I expected.
Still, I'm finding my peace through adventure still. I chose to soldier on and fly and adventure. It's what you would've wanted, it's also what I want as well. You may be gone and this is a lot harder to do without you, but I'm still going to be inquisitive and exciting as possible. I still want to learn, explore, and live. Living for that next life memory is the high. That you taught me, that I will never let go.
Well who would've thought I be writing in this after almost 3 years. Since I've last wrote in this, I travelled to 12 countries, stayed in touch with the girl from Vienna, and trying to survive a pandemic. I've been going through a lot lately, and as the world is trying to open back up and I'm trying to begin my travels again. I'm at a crossroad, I want to continue my travels around the world, but at the same time, a large part of me suddenly feels like it is gone. I'll find my way, I always do, but as of right now, I'm just lost.
The largest question remaining is, do I travel to Vienna once again? Do I continue looking for a property outside of this country? Or is this all just a waste of time now? So many questions, so few answers. The one thing I do know, my heart is heavy, and I'm just trying to figure it all out. Vienna is a place I hold dear, but right now, it's a place that is breaking my heart.
It has been a day since you left. I met an amazing girl from Vienna. You were my waitress, and you were the first thing I noticed at this wedding. As we partied the night away. I've always had my eyes on you. Never taking them away. As I slowly consumed all the alcohol that my body could take, I consumed enough courage to ask you for your number. To my surprise you gave it to me. I ended the night too inebriated to remember, but the only thing I remembered was your glasses and that perfect smile. From that moment I was hooked. I never waited the three day rule...by frankly I couldn't I only had 2 more days. I texted you that night.
I woke up hungover and groggily, and not to my surprise, no text. Figuring the number you gave was a fake. I went to brunch. Extremely hungover and eating my eggs I got what I was waiting for. Your text buzzed so hard I was startled. We started talking and I asked you out. You said yes. We were going to meet for Filipino food at Hotel am Brillantengrund. As we had dinner you told me about your passion, I told you I had the same. We talked about so many things. I introduced you to my hero Mr. Bourdain and the joys of travel. We walked talked and enjoyed the local district you lived in. We were supposed to meet Steffy at 10, but we loss track of time due to talking. We didn't meet them til 12. :P We went out for a few more drinks and said our goodbyes. Not thinking we would see each other again for an entire day the next. But we did.
You took me to one of your favorite markets because thats what you love. Seafood was on the agenda. We got a major seafood platter with the works. And you had scallops, real scallops for the first time. You were amazed. I showed you flavor combinations such as adding acid to dishes to make them pop. You smiled, that God damn infectious smile. It was stunning and breathtaking at the same time. You do the most inappropriate thing when you love a plate. You pick it up and lick it. I loved it. It was so you and you gave it so much character. After lunch you showed me around town. Taking me to your favorite spots and walking the city, just never stopping never thinking of anything, not having any direction. From market to market, story to story. I was learning you lived an amazing life. From bartering in Peru, to living in Cuba for a month like a commoner. Couch surfing was your thing. Your free-spirit and soul. I started falling like a star for you. I thought this is it. I found the one. As our night was concluding, I thought I never see you again, having it so abrupt, I thought something was budding. I was on a flight to Croatia, never thinking I see you again.
As I was in Croatia doing my Croatian things. I received a text from you. You booked a flight to NYC. You were going to be staying with me for 2 weeks. I quickly obliged and offered to house you. There was no way I say no to you anyway. The next week and a half was grueling, I couldn't wait to see you again.
September 17, you arrived and we had our first meal in our town. Hotpot. I knew you liked it but not for me. I was quickly learning you love your veggies. You are definitely not a meat eater. And soon enough I was becoming to know your likes and dislikes. We were together for two whole weeks. I took you to places you've never been and you did the same for me. You took me to Manhattan, I took you to Brooklyn. We were two peas in a pod. You introduced me to your friends and I introduced you to mine. I was living a dream. And every night that I could. I hugged you and kissed you. Everything was a happy dream that was about to come crashing down.
It was the last full day in Brooklyn. I was going to take you to as many places as possible. I was going to ask you your favorite places and things. I was going to ask you about us. When I did, I didn't think I was going to hear what I was going to hear. It wasn't going to workout. There was never anything between us. This was just it. My heart grew weary, devastated again. I sat there eating my biscuits and gravy. I had tried to give you everything. And I did. Did I do something wrong? Where did I mess up? You said I didn't, you said I was perfect. I didn't do anything wrong. It just wasn't there. My heart sank to my stomach. It has been almost 10 years since I've felt this way. Since Bjonda. I've been guarded and jaded. I only really go for the random hookups and the Tinder/Bumble lifestyle. Because I knew I couldn't be hurt or broken that way.
I never will blame her. This was my own doing. Did she lead me on. Probably not, this was just her demeanor. Friendly, warm, and bubbly. She is who she is. And what it is it is.
The last day with her, I couldn't breathe or be around her. Still reeling from the devastation, but I trucked on making sure to make her last few hours here amazing as I could. After all, what kind of host would I be? As I dropped her off at her stop so she could take the train to the airport I gave her one last kiss and a hug and saw her off. I cried on the subway back home, not caring who saw. I was officially a New Yorker.
I don't know if I'll ever see her again, or even talk to her again. Extremely selfish on my end. I know. But for one brief moment in my life, I was extremely happy. I don't think I could ever turn my feelings off for her, I don't even know if I could ever talk to her again. But I hope she knows a part of her soul is with me. And I hope a part of mine is with her.
To the girl I met in Vienna. I will always love you.
Hey 2018. You've been good to me. Honestly I'm just writing this so I won't forget you. As I stare at this screen blankly with my heart a flutter, I'm dreading the next few days. Knowing that my time with you is quickly fading. I'm going to treasure each minute. I'm going to treasure you. I'm 33 years young. I still have no idea what I'm doing in life. I'm trying to live my best life. I'm trying to find the one. Last couple of years have been play. Now when it seems like I'm about to put all my eggs in one basket again. You arrived...out of the clear blue sky. How am I going to reach you? My brain hasn't stopped moving a mile a minute. No matter how much I'm trying to make it stop. Where is my future taking me? I still don't know.
My last post was Friday, January 8, 2016. A lot has happened since then. Death's of so many we have loved and cherished. From David Bowie, Prince, Gene Wilder, and even today Leonard Cohen. It has been one nasty upsetting year, with back to back to back sadness all around. But that's not the biggest upset that has been on my mind lately. The biggest disappointment and upset is the fact that we have possibly the biggest misogynist, sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobe running our country at the moment, and his name is Donald Trump.
And before we start lets get this out of the way. I in no way, shape or form a bleeding heart liberal. I don't like the fact that our country is being forced upon to have politically correctness in ever corner of every state. No by no means am I that. However I am a strong believe of right and wrong. And right now things are increasingly wrong.
I honestly believe we live in a sad state of affairs currently at the moment. From the very beginning of this election year, it was dirty, sleazy, and slimy. And it wasn't just all the republicans doing. The liberals had a healthy dose of it as well. From Clinton's underhanded move to kick Bernie Sanders, to her now known e-mail scandal [which honestly wasn't really that terrible]. However, at the end of the day Trump is now our President and shit has hit the fan. Whether you like it or not, he is our 45th president.
I've been thinking this, can one man, take all that was good from President Obama, and reverse all of his good that he has done in one fell swoop. This is the president we have chosen, and well, this is what we have to live with now. We have a president that said, "Grab them by the Pussy," "We'll build a wall," this is our future, this is our president.
However, lets think about this, how much can this person change, and will he? It already looks as though he may not repeal the whole Obamacare act. It looks as though he just may change some things from it, I'm okay with that. However what about our global warming issues? Gay rights? Immigration issues, the whole shebang? Already so much is being done to turn everything, really? Has a president that pushed us so far ahead, is going to be replaced by a president that is going to set us back by 60 years? And I get it, for all you Trump supporters out there, I get it, you're a whiny liberal, you lazy millennial what the fuck do you know, so on and so forth. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I work 50-60 hours a week, I'm a debt negotiator and I help people for a living. I think that's the most important thing for me. I help people, is that so wrong? During a time like this, I just want people to be good to others, I do want unity. However it's hard to see that, when all I see is people out to get each other. There has to be a better way.
When I see riots from the liberals, and slandering and hate acts/crimes against minorities, what do I say? What do I do? I'm clearly not going to stand for it if some person decide to grab a woman "by the pussy." I'm going to knock your fucking lights out, that's just going to be my initial reaction. We just can't allow this.
Here is what I am afraid of, I have a niece, she is almost 2 years old. By the time the next elections rolls around, she will be almost 6 years old. How do I explain this to my sweet angel of a niece, who is innocent beyond anything, that she lives in a country that doesn't give two shits about her, and her future. I'm afraid that she will not have a future in this country that I love the most. My sister asked me today, should we move to Canada? I told her, absolutely not, I'm not Canadian, I'm an American. I love this country more than anyone else. I'm a gun toting, red meat eating American. I watch my sports drink my scotch and call it a day. I have no conceptions at all of moving. This country is my home.
I posted the following on Facebook the other day after the election: "Woke up this morning thinking of posting something witty and clever like, "Yay, we can now all be friends again!" But maybe it's not time for that. What's done is done, and we have 4 years of Trump. Whether you like it or not it's happening. What we can do is just try to be kinder to each other. I honestly don't use social media as much as I do during the political season due to all the vitriol that is flung at each other. So this is me, being as pragmatic as I can...let's just stop being dicks towards each other, and just get through these next 4 years together. For my friends that are freaking out and are scared shitless, I feel your pain, I'm also scared shitless. Still trying to believe there is humanity in people. Love you guys, no matter what side of the fence you sit on."
It's time to listen people. I think we are in the conundrum that we are in because a man took advantages of the fear and despair that a large portion of our country is in. Maybe Trump is the change that the American people need to see. Maybe this is the for the best, whether it be a debacle or train wreck, or maybe, just maybe a blessing in disguise. I don't know where the future is taking us, I honestly don't know if I like it or not either. Someone on Facebook wrote, it's now time to nut up or shut up, explain to me why you're afraid that Trump is going to be president. I had to think about that for a bit, I think the main reason I'm afraid, is that it brings hate. Hate from both sides, and for some odd reason it's okay to have this hate. I doubt I'm going to write another post like this about politics again. By frankly I'm not witty enough or smart enough. However the next time I do write one, I pray that good has happen and that good is being done. Best of luck Mr. Trump. Please make the changes that you said you would, and please don't ruin the lives of so many people that have acquired their recent freedoms.
