I Cracked, Fuck

Well it has come to this. Literally I cracked yesterday. I know I wasn't supposed to see her. But I did. This is her city. I'm just visiting, but the best part it all seemed like old times we literally picked up where we left off. But things are different now. I can't change that, the only thing I can do is walk away.  We talked about it and we discussed it. I say I write is somewhere and save it, and here it is. 5 years?  Will I see her in 5 years?  At that point I'll be 42, she'll be 29/30 depending on when. But the real question, will I crack sooner?  The second question, Can I turn a no into a yes? Who knows, a piece of me says yes, but why?  Arrogance? Confidence? Or just plain stupidity?  Sometimes you need all three.  

Today is my last day in Austria, and for the entire two weeks that I've been here, yesterday was the best day of all of them.  Why do you make everything better?  So so so much better. 

Getting Better, No?

Feeling any better?  No, I'm not.  Is it getting better, of course.  As always, time heals all wounds.  Just fucking sucks right now.  I can and will say this.  Losing a best friend really really sucks, losing someone you loved.  Even fucking worst.  However here I am in Vienna, and just getting my bearings straight.  

You know, typing while you're drunk/high is supposed to show your true feelings.  My true feelings is that I need to move on, and to be even more truthful.  I'm cool with it.  She was amazing, kind and sweet, but it just doesn't work sometimes, but I can't stop my life.  Lets stop pretending what could have been, and see what it is.  I'm gonna try to enjoy the rest of this trip, and live my best life.  I'll make friends from here on out, but at the end of the day, Vienna reminds me of you.  But that's just life and how it goes.  

I Learned It By Watching You!

 It's been 72 hours, and life is moving on slowly.  Vienna You are in front of me 17 days from now.  I have no real back up plans any longer.  I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I don't know where I'm going.  All I know is adventure awaits.  It's 18 days from now, I'm setting off on my own new adventure, where it will take me where will it lead me?  I. have no idea.  All I know, I'm on a new adventure...on my own again.  

As depressing as that may sound, it's actually not.  It was inevitable, but I'm learning to stand my ground again.  I'm not holding on to the past.  I'm just looking forward.  You know, it's crazy this thing called life and love.  I always thought, no all I ever wanted was just to be able to stand by your side.  And even though we are thousands of miles apart, I thought I could stand equally next to you.  Again, it was inevitable, we live too far, and you're too awesome to have me stand by your side alone for so long.  I knew the day would come, but it has hit me harder than I expected.  

Still, I'm finding my peace through adventure still.  I chose to soldier on and fly and adventure.  It's what you would've wanted, it's also what I want as well. You may be gone and this is a lot harder to do without you, but I'm still going to be inquisitive and exciting as possible.  I still want to learn, explore, and live.  Living for that next life memory is the high.  That you taught me, that I will never let go.

3 Year Hiatus

 Well who would've thought I be writing in this after almost 3 years.  Since I've last wrote in this, I travelled to 12 countries, stayed in touch with the girl from Vienna, and trying to survive a pandemic.  I've been going through a lot lately, and as the world is trying to open back up and I'm trying to begin my travels again.  I'm at a crossroad, I want to continue my travels around the world, but at the same time, a large part of me suddenly feels like it is gone.  I'll find my way, I always do, but as of right now, I'm just lost.  

The largest question remaining is, do I travel to Vienna once again?  Do I continue looking for a property outside of this country?  Or is this all just a waste of time now?  So many questions, so few answers.  The one thing I do know, my heart is heavy, and I'm just trying to figure it all out.  Vienna is a place I hold dear, but right now, it's a place that is breaking my heart.